


When You Find Me

by Jerry_Larchive



Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-01
Updated: 2017-03-01
Packaged: 2018-09-27 18:30:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,819
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10038587
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jerry_Larchive/pseuds/Jerry_Larchive
Summary: 11X22 How Jackson might have coped, more or less, with his grief while April was gone to Jordan (the first time).And13X02 ½ Epilogue: April stumbles onto a secret relationship.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Warning! If you absolutely detest the thought of Jackson surrendering his disbelief in God (even under duress) you'll likely not like this story. There is no intent to take a side in that argument, just to make use of that critical Japril conflict.
> 
> Oh, and angst on steroids.

Jackson awoke on the couch. The TV was still on but the game had ended long ago and been replaced by an annoying infomercial. He hit the button on the remote to switch it off, then staggered to his feet to make his way to his bedroom. Their bedroom. But it wasn't now was it? She was gone. Off to some faraway land to do … what? He wasn't really sure. All he knew was that she was sure she needed to go. And had reassured him it would only be three months. And she hadn't been the same since she lost Samuel. Since they lost Samuel. He understood that. He didn't think he'd ever be the same person he was before. It was as though a chunk of him had been torn away. And now, the best part of him was gone too. At least, he told himself, if I can just keep my shit together for a few months, she will be back and I can hope for something better. But as he looked at the empty bed, where they had made love just the previous night, keeping his shit together seemed impossible. With **Memorial Day** weekend just a month away he needed to gather himself. The hospital was always a madhouse in summer.

Jackson felt pretty proud of the way he was holding it together as **July 4** **th** approached. May had been tough but June had been worse, in spite of the crazy tempo of work. Once or twice he awoke in the middle of the night thinking he heard her key in the lock. He had run out into the kitchen only to be disappointed. And to add injury to insult, the second time he banged his foot so hard on the breakfast bar that he broke his toe. Not being able to run for two weeks just made him even more crazy.

Then came the call with April on July 4th , telling him that she wasn't coming home. _Wasn't coming home yet_   he corrected himself. It was devastating. Didn't she know what this was doing to him? Did she just not care?

He found himself at the door of the room they had prepared for Samuel. Never really handy with anything other than a scalpel and a basketball, he had nevertheless managed to put together a crib and a rocking chair. The crib had never been used. The rocking chair had. April had sat in it day after day after Samuel's birth and death, holding a stuffed animal they had once hoped would become their son's favorite cuddling partner. Every attempt Jackson had made to comfort her had been met with either a silent glare or angry retort, leaving him feeling helpless and alone in his own grief.

Jackson disappeared from the doorway, reappearing moments later with his small toolbox in his hand. He began to disassemble the crib. He couldn't say if he was doing it for his own mental health or to punish her but it had suddenly become very important to him to do away with these symbols of the tragedy that had consumed his life. When the crib proved difficult to disassemble, his anger and frustration boiled over causing him to savagely attack it, tearing it apart, and wounding himself in the process. The thin veil of his control over his emotions was torn away, his grief and anger now given full voice, as Jackson ripped and smashed until the entire room was a shattered mess. Much like himself.

Anger consumed him. He took it out on everyone around him. He heard Callie tell Arizona that he had become the biggest ass in the hospital. It got so bad even Meredith pulled him aside one day and read him the riot act. That sobered him up some. He and Meredith had always shared a unique bond and kinship, due in part to their shared experience of living with the expectations that come with family legacies.

Immediately after that dressing down Jackson happened to find himself passing by the hospital chapel. He hadn't been near the place since just before Samuel was born. In the desperation of that day he had gone in to plead for God to show up, to show up for her, and maybe bring her the miracle she so badly had needed. And that had turned out so well, hadn't it? The memory made his anger flash again and he ferociously pushed through the doors and rushed down the aisle, violence seeking to flare in every cell of his body once again.

“You fraud!” He yelled! “How could you let that happen to her?”

Inside he was screaming too. _How could I let that happen to her?_

“She believes in you!” _But not in me anymore, apparently._

“She was counting on you to protect her.” _Because I couldn't._

Jackson fell to his knees unable to stop the sobbing that suddenly overcame him. He didn't know how long he knelt there before he finally recovered enough to stem the tears. He looked up again towards the alter. Then suddenly he was laughing, so hard the tears began again. He wiped his sleeve across his eyes.

“Ok Avery, you really are losing it. Yelling at some mythical thing that doesn't even exist. Might as well be talking to bunnies. Time to order the psych consult for yourself.”

He turned to go but only made it so far. As soon as his eyes fell on that spot, her spot, he froze. His wild crazed smile disappeared. That's where she was sitting that day he found her here. The day he found a way to reach out across the chasm between her faith and his lack of. It had made her so happy to have him just concede that one little thing, that promise to come with her to church. And waffles. That had been her sweet concession back to him. He shuddered at the memory. He would give anything, sit through any number of services or sermons to have her now, here, sitting next to him. Putting his world back together.

He exhaled heavily, spent. When he could tear his eyes away from that second pew on the right side, he glanced back over his shoulder at the alter and retreated, wounded and defeated, from the chapel.

Summer gave way to fall even as Jackson's anger gave way to a sort of resigned sadness, He hadn't heard from April in a long time now. He stopped expecting her to appear as that only exhausted him. He threw himself into his work, volunteering for extra shifts, even covering the pit. He avoided returning to the apartment as that had taken on the air of a crypt for him. Of course the hospital didn't offer him any oasis of relief from her memory either.

Everywhere he turned he was reminded of her. Their lives were inextricably entwined. They had made love in all of the on-call rooms, supply rooms, and any other type of room that offered the chance for passionate, hasty tryst. In other times he relished those memories, lingering in a certain supply closet, a smile playing about his lips as his eyes remembered her fresh beauty, the softness of her curves, the smell of her hair, and the pure ecstasy of becoming lost in her. Now they just reminded him of what he'd lost.

Sometime after Labor Day he again found himself passing by the chapel. Without a real reason to do so he turned and entered. This time he found someone already inside. A pang of disappointment struck him as he saw hair that wasn't red. She was seated in the second row, but on the left of the aisle. He quietly entered and sat in THAT spot; second row right.

He had no earthly idea what made him want to come in and sit here. He was just about to bolt back out when a tentative voice reached out to him from across the aisle.

“Excuse me, I hate to bother you in here but you are Doctor Avery aren't you?”

Jackson looked back at her, realizing that he had seen her somewhere before.

“Yes, I'm Doctor Avery.” he answered.

“I just wanted to thank you, Doctor.” the woman said. “You are truly Godsent.”

Jackson smiled. The woman thought he was being friendly and gracious. Little did she know he considered the idea that a God he didn't believe in would send him anywhere to be fairly ridiculous. But she had no way of knowing anything about Jackson's troubled relationship with her Almighty.

Suddenly Jackson's sharp memory placed her.

“You're Anne's sister, from Chicago?” Anne was his burn patient. She had endured hours of painful treatment and still had more to go.

“Yes, that's right.”

“Well, your sister is quite a trooper.”

“She's my hero. She always has been. Every time I needed her she's been there for me. I just wish I could be here more for her, especially since that ass..” she caught herself, glancing at the alter to remind herself of where she was, “rat of a husband abandoned her.”

“Well, I know she is happy to have you here now.” Jackson lowered his voice to a conspiratorial whisper. “I think that rat will wish he had stuck around once she is all healed up. She is beautiful.”

Tears appeared on the woman's cheeks as she rushed forward to hug Jackson so hard he could barely breathe.

“You're the miracle we prayed for. God bless you Doctor Avery!”

Jackson felt adrift on a sea of emotions as the woman continued to cling to him and cry into his shoulder. April would have known what to say to her to make her brave and strong. Jackson could only blink his eyes and think to himself that if God did exist, he had a wicked sense of humor.

It was **Halloween** night and Jackson was working with Anne. She had come far but still had so far to go. Yet even as he was debraiding more damaged skin, a very painful ordeal, she was cracking jokes with her fellow burn patient, JJ. Jackson marveled at their bravery. While he was working, his phone rang and he saw it was April calling. He hesitated a moment then flipped the phone over. He didn't want to talk to her tonight. He didn't think he could take her telling him that she needed more time. Or had he reached the point where he couldn't take her telling him she was coming home? Both seemed equally heart wrenching at this point.

October gave way to November and the rest of the Seattle made ready for **Thanksgiving** , normally one of Jackson's favorite holidays due to the 2F's (Food and Football) as he used to tell April. This year however Jackson had declined an offer to fly to Boston to join the Averys and instead planned a quiet day at home, in front of the TV, with a turkey dinner he'd picked up at Whole Foods the day before.

He placed his phone on the coffee table and turned the ringer up to full so he would be sure to hear it if she called. Both his teams lost. The mashed potatoes were runny and the turkey dry. His phone never rang. Depressed he decided to go for a run. At least the weather was unseasonably nice.

In good enough shape to run any distance he wanted, Jackson just walked out his front door, hit the street, and started running. He had no plan and no specific route in mind. As his athletic frame stretched out into a comfortable pace he let his mind go wherever it wanted. He passed April's favorite Chinese takeout and it barely registered. He let the traffic signals guide him, turning whenever the alternative meant waiting for a light to change. He found himself running by a park they always passed on their way to work. In his mind it was still “they” and “their”. He wondered if he would ever get back “he” and “his”. Suddenly alarmed at the thought, he asked himself if that was what he wanted. Himself refused to answer.

As he slipped past the last of the park, he detoured around a couple pushing a stroller. He tried mightily but couldn't help himself, stealing a glance at the little boy inside. He was beautiful and Jackson's heart broke anew. His pace broke down as his breathing became suddenly ragged. His vision blurred and he narrowly avoided running into a lightpole. He reached a curb and was about to step off when a car raced by, horn blaring, and he realized there was a red light in front of him. Hands on his hips he gulped air as he tried to collect himself. Behind him the stroller family approached. His very survival now at stake he gathered himself and sprung forward again as the light turned green just in time. Gone was the long loping easy stride. Now he ran hard and fast, in full flight from what he could never really outrun.

The hospital loomed suddenly ahead of him. He made for it, as though he might find safety there. As though he might find her there. But he found neither. For him it was a haunted place. It was a place full of her yet she wasn't there. Unusually quiet as the Thanksgiving afternoon began to give way to evening, the hospital functioned with a skeleton crew, many of which Jackson didn't even recognize as he wandered aimlessly through the ER, April's ER, and into the halls. The surgical board was empty. Apparently Seattle was behaving itself today, its inhabitants not inflicting mayhem on themselves and each other.

He wandered on. And when he stopped it was in abject horror. He found himself facing the birthing room where many months ago he had held her hand as she gave birth to his son. Had held her as she held Samuel and his baby's life had fallen away. And even then he'd known it, hadn't he? Known that it hadn't just been Samuel that died that day. He had told himself that they were strong. They were so in love. Surely that love and that strength would bind them together and help them heal. Surely! Or not.

Now he was running again. Not away but toward. There had to be answers somewhere. Somewhere he hadn't looked yet. There was only one place like that.

The doors hadn't even begun to swing closed behind him when he asked...

“Why? Why did this happen? Why did it happen to us?”

Jackson paced forward.

“I always figured people who believed in you were weak. That they couldn't deal with their own mortality and needed to invent a happily ever afterlife, so they wouldn't have to face nothingness. But Anne and her sister and JJ aren't weak. They are strong. Stronger than me. And April? April is stronger than anyone I've ever met. I break on her. And she's smart. And beautiful. And she believes! And she says you are love.”

Jackson stood in the front of the chapel, between the first rows, and he looked beaten.

“She thinks you were testing her, did you know that? She thinks she failed. Its like her boards all over again. But you know what I think? I think it was a total setup. I think...” Jackson paused as he choked on the words.

“I think this happened because of me. Because of what I believe and don't believe. Because of what I said to her about you. Because I hate that she pities me. Because I made her break promises. Because I want her to love me more than she loves you and can't stand it that she doesn't. You had to show me, didn't you, that you could rip away everything I've ever loved. And April, and our baby, just collateral damage weren't they?”

His breathing ragged, Jackson was spitting out his words now.

“So congratulations. Really. Mission accomplished. Because I do believe. I have to now don't I? Because if I don't...” Jackson swallowed hard, tears were coming again. He wasn't sure he'd ever be able to stop them once they started.

“If you aren't real then neither is heaven right? And if there's no heaven then... my son... our baby...

He slumped to the floor, all defenses stripped away, and gave way at last to the grief that he had tried so hard to bury deep down in dark places.

As **Christmas** approached Jackson began to recover some hope. Christmas was always a special time for April, second only to Easter in her holiday echelon. Surely she would realize that she needed to be home for Christmas. But as the day itself drew near, and there was no word from her, Jackson's glimmer of hope began to fade.

He was determined however not to repeat the nightmare that was Thanksgiving so he gratefully agreed to attend Karev's Christmas Eve gathering and then planned on covering the ER Christmas morning. When April called he chided her for not coming home to him for Christmas. Her response, that they should be celebrating with their baby, chilled him. It didn't seem to him that she was healing all that well either. Then his worst fears were realized when shelling and gunfire erupted in the background and the call was disconnected. Efforts to reconnect with her failed and he grappled with the reality that he didn't know if she was alive or dead or something in between. Again, there were no answers to be found anywhere.

And then, finally, days later, there she was. Appearing as though out of thin air. And she was alive and well and beautiful and, as usual, she took his breath away. And he tried to think of all the things he wanted to say to her and how sorry he was and how angry he was and how badly he needed her for him to be anything close to whole. But all he could do was gather her up in his arms and hold her tightly for as long as she would let him.

### Epilogue

It was Aprils last night in the hospital. Tomorrow she would finally be allowed to go home to be with her baby. Well, not 'home' really. She had reluctantly agreed to move in with Jackson, at least until she was back to 100 percent. He had been pretty persistent. Apparently he didn't appreciate how excruciatingly painful it was for her to be around him since the divorce. No matter how nice he was to her, and there was no question he was making a huge effort to be as supportive of her as he possibly could, she knew that was entirely for Harriet's benefit. So she had finally given in and it was his house she would join Harriet at the next day and she knew it would be hard for her.

She had never doubted that Jackson would be an amazing father when the time came and with Harriet he was exceeding even her lofty expectations. But in her wounded heart she never reconsidered her conviction that he no longer wanted to be with her. Any hopes or dreams that Jackson might want a relationship with her beyond co-parenting, she had forced herself to put out of her mind. Now if only her emotions would get on the bus.

Arizona had given her the go ahead to start walking, in small doses, and April was anxious to take her up on it. It dovetailed nicely with her desire to seek a little fortitude from Jesus so after Jackson left to take Harriet home, she eased herself out of her bed, her feet into her slippers, and began to make her way slowly toward the chapel.

It was with great relief that she finally reached its doors. She reluctantly admitted that she wasn't going to be moving at full speed, or without pain, for several days. Even the hard pews of the chapel sounded heavenly right now. She snickered a little at the accidental pun that had formed in her thoughts.

Pushing through the door she came to a sudden stop, her mouth falling open in shock as she recognized the figure sitting in the pew, second row right. If there was anyone in the world she less expected to find sitting in the hospital chapel she didn't know who it could be.

Stirring at the opening of the door behind him, Jackson Avery turned in the pew and saw April looking at him with the same expression she had for him when, a lifetime ago it seemed, he was standing in the aisle of a church, turning both their lives upside down.

Finally recovering herself she walked to where he sat, his eyes locked with hers the entire way, his expression unreadable in the semi-darkness. She reached the row and now could see Harriet beside him on the bench, gurgling as she lay in her carrier, seemingly trying to capture the fingers of one hand with those of her opposite hand, with only limited success.

Unable to form words, she could only shake her head to signal her need for some explanation of how he could possibly be here. Jackson, who was the worlds foremost expert on April after years of study, understood the gesture immediately. In response he slid Harriet and himself to the right, creating a space for her. But he didn't know what he should tell her or where to begin.

April sat and tried to be patient but it was a strain. “Jackson?” she asked when she could contain herself no more.

“I didn't know you were coming here.” he began. It sounded like an excuse, or maybe an apology.

April remained still, willing him to continue.

“I know this is...” he struggled to find the right words, “unexpected, to find us.., me here.”

Understatement of the century, thought April.

Inside Jackson's head a debate raged. He had never intended her to know anything about this. There was danger here, he knew. One wrong step in this minefield and his world could blow up anew.

“Its complicated, April.” he began. “Before I can tell you anything you've got to promise me something. You've got to promise me nothing I tell you will ruin it, our friendship, I mean. I couldn't stand it if that happened.”

She searched his face as he spoke and saw real fear there. She didn't understand how his being in the chapel could endanger their friendship, fragile though it was. But his expression sent a cold shiver down her spine, and she sensed a change to come, despite any promises she might make.

“I promise.” she breathed.

Jackson took a deep breath.

“While you were gone..” he began.

 


End file.
